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When you invite people over to your house for a party, they:
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Laugh and wonder whether anyone will show up at all.
Come over but everyone just winds up watching TV.
Prostrate themselves and beg for forgiveness.
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When you meet a girl / boy you are attracted to, you:
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Ask for a phone number so you can get together again some time.
Flatter him or her incessantly and lavish him or her with gifts.
Turn into a cow / bull and rape him / her.
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Your children won't listen to you. You:
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Threaten them with the loss of TV privileges for a week.
Try to talk out your differences to make the house a happier place.
You ignite a bush and engrave your immutable rules into stone tablets, threatening to cast any who stray into flaming pits for eternity.
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You are bored. You decide now is the time to:
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Organize your laundry into dark and white wash.
Commit various random violent crimes.
Finally get around to separating the firmament from the earth and start working on night and day.
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When you return home from work you take:
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The bus.
A carpool on the freeway.
The Rainbow bridge.
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It's dinnertime. Unfortunately your cupboard is bare and you have no money. You:
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Hunt for varmint.
Humbly ask your neighbor for assistance.
Transubstantiate and nibble on your limbs.
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You are having a child! You:
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Pass around cigars to all your friends.
Knit a bonnet.
Buy a lot of strong pain relievers because the doctor tells you the kid will spring forth fully grown from your split head.
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The people you hang around with have names like:
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Joe, Bill, Mary, Ziggy.
Pedro, Maria, Zapata, Francisco.
He Who Has No Name, A'Thothton, Rah, Hera, Jesus, Tori Amos.
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At sporting events you fondly remember the good 'ole days when:
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Players didn't charge kids 20 bucks for an autograph.
The beer had bubbles in it.
The winners of the handball game would have their chests splayed open, and their still-beating hearts' would be offered to you in sacrifice.
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Your friends are having a party, but you aren't invited. You:
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Cry.
Ask your friend to bring you bring you back some cake.
Throw a Golden Apple into the room inscribed with the phrase "to the fairest one," thereby igniting the first war among mortal men.
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Do you believe in God?
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Yes.
No.
How dare you question my existence, puny mortal?!
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