Cruising for a bruising
02 December 2005
By ROSEMARY McLEOD
It is a truth universally known to older women that everyone's daughters should be locked up till they grow a brain.
Things seem to come right at about 40. But by that time they've had more serious disasters in their love life than there are ants on a lolly wrapper. And if they're seriously unlucky, they have the children to prove it.
Biology makes us fertile before our brains grow, and to make matters worse, young women breed from the worse than average bloke; men with neon signs over their heads that read "Don't take me seriously" and "I won't stick around".
They fall for men with tattooed knuckles who kick animals; boys who've already left six pregnant partners in their wake; dead losses destined to spend their lives in jail for doing the same thing over and over again, and always getting caught; and they do it just because they like their haircut, or shoes.
I'm worried about Katie Holmes, as I'm sure her mother is, somewhere out there in America, weeping into a martini and fanning herself with a Hollywood gossip sheet. Katie has done that thing that young girls do, despite older women everywhere who shout, in unison: "You're not going to enjoy it!"
She's taken off with Tom Cruise, who's old enough to be her father. She's discovered sex. And naturally, being but a baby, she got pregnant really quickly. As you do, I guess, to a megastar that you're going to be happy with for ever.
The first sign of alarm in the true love saga of this baby actor was the news that Scientology requires a silent birth for the good of the baby - silent and without medication, that is. Needless to say, the head honcho of this mysterious cult is a man.
As if that's not enough control to have over the breeding girl, Cruise revealed the other day that he's purchased an ultrasound machine, so they can monitor their baby's growth in utero in the privacy of their own home. Katie is going to realise one day that she's trapped herself with a control freak - who, by the way, hasn't even married her yet. Maybe he's waiting to see if she can do the birth thing, first, in suitably contemplative silence. Maybe he's testing her womb.
Here is yet another young woman who seriously needs rescuing - but who thinks that she's in heaven. And all we can do is watch. It's like seeing a bomb about to land, and not being able to do a thing about it.