A near-verbatim copy of http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/RonSez.html
L. Ron Hubbard - A Profile
[a parody by Ro1and Rash1eigh-Berry]
Mind-Improvement Guru and
Religious Leader, L. Ron Hubbard
L. Ron Hubbard was a man of many talents. His belief was that we are all capable of a great many things, except that something stops us from displaying this ability. However, through his discovery of Scientology* and its process known as "auditing", a person uncovers the abilities they inherently possess and are able to display those abilities. He described it as "making the able more able". Listen then, to Ron, in his very own words, imparting wisdom to his followers about the many roles he was able to assume in life:
Ron the Mathematician Ron had an acute mind for mathematical accuracy. While auditing he was able to place things in time to the nearest second even though the event could have occured millions, billions, or even trillions of years ago. For example, in his researches of his distant past, he recalled when he had previously gone to heaven (HCOB 11 May 1963). http://www.primenet.com/~lippard/bfm/heaven.htm The first time I arrived and the moment of the implant To Forget was dated at 43,891,832,611,177 years, 344 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes and 40 seconds from 10:02½ PM Daylight Greenwich Time May 9, 1963. The second series was dated to the moment of the implant To Forget as 42,681,459,477,315 years, 132 days, 18 hours, 20 minutes and 15 seconds from 11:02½ PM Daylight Greenwich Time May 9, 1963.
It can be no surprise therefore that Scientology is described as an exact science by its followers. Listen then as this same lightning-fast mathematical mind copes with the intricacies of complex higher-mathematical analysis.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/Ron_the_Mathematician.ra ... So how much time does it take for an auditor to get in good shape? How much time does it take for an auditor to get up to operating thetan?
Well, let's say each one of you could afford a hundred hours of auditing. That is relatively, maybe, five times as many as you should have if you are being well audited. Let's put the factor of five in there. And just throw that in there and say it's a hundred hours. Could you afford to spend a hundred hours as an auditor on the couch? Boy, I'm sure afraid you could. Why, you could dig up a hundred hours someplace. You could put in three nights a week at a couple of hours a session. What would happen if you put in three nights a week at two hours a session? That adds up to six hours a week, doesn't it? How long does that take to get to a hundred hours? Sixty-six and two-thirds, is that right?
Well, six and two-thirds weeks.
[from audience members] Sixteen.
Sixteen. Have to figure in arithmetic. I have an awful time with MEST arithmetic -- just horrible -- just terrible. Sixteen weeks. Okay? That's very interesting. I have to completely change reality to get a MEST arithmetical thing. You see, MEST arithmetic doesn't happen to be real -- I mean, happen to be actual. It's real. Fascinating.
-- "Summary to Date: Handling Step I and Demo", lecture 54 of the Philadelphia
Doctorate Course Lectures, 17 December 1952 (01:27)
Ron the Nuclear Physicist It should be no surprise that Ron's fime mathematical mind would be drawn to the subject of nuclear physics where the slightest deviation in mathematical accuracy could result in a disaster of planetary proportions. Here Ron excelled himself in his ability to understand nuclear phenomena and the effects of radiation on the human body. Here he talks about the effect of gamma radiation.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/Gamma.ra .. And out of this, what do we get? We get a tremendous question mark. Whether radiation is floating across the world or not, is not the point. There's a question mark floating across the world. Is it, or isn't it? Well the funny part of it is that's radiation itself. Is it there or isn't it there? You know, it kills the human body very, very dead, but it'll go through a sixteen foot wall! A gamma ray'll go through a wall, very easily. Well, what's it -- how does it hurt a body? Nobody can tell you. A wall can't stop a gamma ray, but a body can. And we get down to our number one medical question. Gamma rays go through walls but don't go through bodies. We get the density of a body and the density of the wall and we find out that the body is less dense than the wall.
So therefore we have to go in to the field of the mind, if we can't go into the field of anatomy on thissubject and say "What is happening here?". And I can tell you, fortunately, what is happening here. Resistance! The wall doesn't resist and the body does.
--- Radiation and the Scientologist, 13 April 1957 (1:24)
Ron the All-Knowing Sage Ron described his invention of Scientology as the science of "Knowing how to know". The idea is that it is futile to learn anything because we already know it all. All that is required is for a person to be the thing he wishes to understand or to instantaneouly fetch the data from a remote source. To know how to know in this way is perhaps the crowning achievement of his invention of Scientology. It creates a short cut that bypasses the tedious learning that people currently do at school, not to mention cutting out the painstaking and expensive research and experimentation done by modern-day science. Here Ron gives simple-to-undertsand examples of this to his followers. The first relates to the common task of driving a motor vehicle.
All the knowledge that's worth knowing is outside your memory bank -- in complete and perfect contact with the beingness that is you. Seems hard to believe, doesn't it?
But, actually, you can understand completely how an automobile drives by being the automobile. You can slide in behind the wheel.
--- Therapy Section of Technique 80: Part II, 21 May 1952. (00:24) When it comes to knowing technical information Ron gave this simple example.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/Know.ra And by the way, you don't need experience. That's another operation. There is no sense at all in your having to remember having been taught how to do something or other. There is no sense in that. You should be able to suddenly BE the thing, and therefore you can do it.
To BE is to KNOW.
You should be able, by the way, not ever to have to remember an engineering formula or anything like this. You don't go back down the time track to look at the book in a fascimile. That is a secondary operation and not an optimum one!
What you do is go to the library and look at it and go so fast and come back so fast that you don't know you've gone!
Somebody walks up to you and says, "What is the wavelength of sputter-guffs?"
And you say, "Well, it's 8216 to the minus umpf."
And they say, "Well, how did you know that? My, that was bright! How did you know that?"
"Well, I just knew it."
--- Outline of Technique 80, Route to Infinity, 19 May 1952. (1:02) We should not assume that this knowledge only applies to life and the goings on of just this world of ours, planet Earth. This knowledge can extend beyond that to any distance and any time. What about our planet and its role in the wider scheme of things? Does Earth serve some kind of purpose to beings from other planets? Here, again, Ron has the answer.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/Dumping.ra Well, I know this: that onto this planet there's a great deal of dumping has gone on. Stuff from the nearby galaxy -- not this galaxy but from the next galaxy over and so forth, is going on here. I know they take political prisoners and guys who they don't want around.
But it's less personal than you think. They just have excess population so they start to get rid of their excess population, you see? They've got a revolt, or you're on the wrong side of a war, or something like that, and they pick you up in droves, and ice-cube you and throw you into a sea someplace.
I know this planet has been subjected to that and several planets in this immediate end of this galaxy have been subjected to that -- that I know.
--- "Between Lives Implants", SHSBC #317. 23 July 1963. (00:46) It is fascinating to speculate that this planet may, in fact, be owned by a civilisation we are not aware of. But why speculate when, through the application of Scientology, you can actually know?
Here again we benefit fron Ron's knowingness.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/Espinol.ra This society belongs nominally to the Espinol United Stars. This is Sun 12, and it is one little tiny pinpoint. Their whole title is "Espinol United Stars..", pardon me, "Espinol United Moons, Planets and Asteroids, this part of the Universe is ours, Hup!"
But this, yeah, "This quarter of the Universe is ours," it translates better.
"This quarter of the Universe is ours." And it's so much quarter of the universe, and this is so lost in the middle of it that there's been no command post occupied for this system now since 1150 A.D., at the time when a group on Mars was finally abolished and vanished, and so forth, and nobody took any interest in this system. This system has been running wild since that time.
--- "The Free Being", SHSBC #309. 9 July 1963. (1:02)
Ron the Astronomer "Knowing how to know" has immediate application in the field of astronomy. It cuts out the need for powerful telescopes and manned or unmanned space-probes.
Instead, knowledge of the planets and possible life on planets can be known directly. To date, planetary probes sent to Jupiter and Venus have all malfunctioned, seemingly due to extreme heat and pressure, and so full and accurate details of the nature of these planets and possible life on these planets have eluded scientific search. But through the application of the Scientology technique of "knowing how to know" these problems are avoided.
Firstly here is Ron commenting on Jupiter. The limited scientific wisdom about this planet to date suggests that below its 600 mile atmosphere lies an extremely hot core of liquid hydrogen and metallic hydrogen that is thousands of miles deep and at the centre is a rocky core. And that the temperature at the surface of the liquid hydrogen is tens of thousands of degrees Kelvin.
However, if true, this is seen not to be a problem to the likely inhabitants of Jupiter, Eskimos, as Ron describes.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/Jupiter.ra And although I don't think you'd have very much pleasure out of kissing a girl from Jupiter - that's a heavy-gravity planet, and if you stepped on the planet Jupiter in one of these meat bodies that you presently have, you would become a pancake promptly, you see? And what atmosphere it has lies in seas of liquid air and so on. You might say that this is somewhat rigerous as an environment, not completely similar to Russia but.. So you do get these various variations.
And it's not all that horrifying however.
You find somebody running around the planet Jupiter, he'd be built to withstand that climatic condition, and the gravitic condition and so forth, and his legs might be a bit modified and his arms and that sort of thing, but he would probably look like an Eskimo.
--- "State of OT", SHSBC #296. 23 May 1963. (1:05) The limited scientific knowledge of Venus that we have from various probes that have landed on its surface is that the atmosphere of Venus is extremely hot and dense and contains a great deal of sulphuric acid as a result of the huge active volcanoes on its surface. Also that there is no water on the surface of Venus because with the intense heat it has all boiled away. Fortunately Ron was able to tell us about the mechanised transport that runs on the surface of Venus, namely locomotive trains. If the surface of Venus is threatening to life then it seems it is more likely due to the unguarded forms of transport on that planet as Ron describes for us.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/Venusloc.ra Mary Sue gave the cue on this thing. She said, "Look at how hard they have to work to keep you from being OT!" Hey, now, that's quite a thought! Isn't that quite a thought?
Hm? Now you look at this. You look at this, now. The complete idiocy of it.
Somebody sits up on Venus -- there are probably some other stations around up in the system. This one's on Venus. I notice that we all believe that Venus has a methane atmosphere and is unlivable. I almost got run down by a freight locomotive the other day -- didn't look very uncivilized to me. I'm allergic to freight locomotives, they're always running into you.
--- "Between Lives Implants", SHSBC #317. 23 July 1963.
Ron the Astronaut Scientology gives you the ability to leave your body at will. You are free to go to other planets or even into the sun should you desire since when "exteriorised" from the body you are not restricted to the limitations of the flesh. Ron's adventure on Venus, when he nearly fell foul of a freight locomotive, was an example of this sort of space exploration. Space exploration of this kind is, of course, far safer and far less expensive than sending whole people into space. However, there could well be limitations to this method as, so far, no Scientologists have been able to return from planets with samples of rock or other material.
Although travel to other planets sounds exciting we must not forget that our own Earth is a planet as well and is worth exploring in this fashion too. The upper atmosphere of Earth is worthy of study in its own right. Here is the story of when Ron was in the Van Allen belt and was inexplicably drawn away.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/Vanallen.ra And well, it starts like this -- it starts like this: I was up in the Van Allen belt -- this is factual, and I don't know why they're scared of the Van Allen belt, because it's simply hot. You'd be surprised how warm space is. Get down amongst the clouds and so forth, it can get pretty cold and damp. But you get well up and sunlight shining around and that sort of thing, it's quite hot. And the Van Allen belt was radioactively hot. A lot of photons get trapped in that area and so forth. And I was up there watching the sunrise. Well, that was very interesting. And my perception was very good, and I was taking a look at Norway and Essex and the places around, you know, and getting myself sort of oriented.
And then something happened to me that I didn't know quite what had happened to me. I thought some facsimiles must have appeared in front of me, but they didn't look like facsimiles. And some other things happened and I had a feeling like I might possibly go into the sun. And a few other little uncomfortablenesses there where... That wasn't what awed me. But I got confused. I got confused because the sun was suddenly larger and then it was smaller and somehow or another I was doing a change of space process that I myself was not familiar with. And it made me sort of bite off my thetan fingernails just a little bit, you know?
--- "Between Lives Implants", SHSBC #317. 23 July 1963. (1:30)
Ron the Discoverer Do you ever look at the turmoil that exists in the world and wonder if it could somehow be better? Do you ever wonder to yourself "Why is the world in such a mess?". Well, until Ron came along then many assumed that that question could never be answered. Not for Ron though. Ron discovered the reason for the suffering in this world of ours. He discovered that all the wars, the religious fighting and disease had at its root a calamity of 75 million years ago. Ron discovered that all of us are full of the souls of dead space-aliens called "body thetans". These body thetans were brought to Earth 75 million years ago, frozen in a mixture of alcohol and glycol after being tricked into attending income-tax inspections and then they were transported to Earth in DC-8 space planes. They were then chained around the bases of volcanoes and nuked, after which they were gathered together and taken to cinemas to be shown pictures of what life on Earth should be like.
First, listen to Ron describe his discovery of how these poor souls, later to afflict us, were paralyzed and then prepared for transport across space.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/DC-8s.ra They were imported. They were actually.. the trick was to shoot somebody, disable somebody, very often a needle into a lung and at the same time to hit him with frozen alcohol and glycol which preparation is guaranteed to pick up a thetan. All they had to do was pick him up and put him in a refrigerator and they had him, boy. If he tried to exteriorize from the body, there he was, frozen.
And they threw 'em into collection points, boxed 'em up in boxes, threw 'em into space planes which were the exact copies of DC-8s, the DC-8 airplane is the exact copy of the space plane of that day. And, no difference, except the DC-8 had fans, propellers on it and the space plane didn't.
--- "Assists" lecture. 3 October 1968. #10 in the confidential Class VIII series of lectures. (00:49) Ron applied his scientific training to work out methods whereby people could be freed of these "body thetans". After a great deal of research into the subject, he devised simple and foolproof scientific techniques that effected their removal. Hear then as Ron explains the ease with which he applied this technique with success.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/BTs.ra I suppose the guy who has trouble running another thetan at that proximity probably not very horse-powered or something of the sort. Well all I ever did was a body Thetan was just think "go to the.. uh .. uh .. think Incident One zoooom! Go through it, get your stop off you know", "Rmmm", he says "Rmmmm.
Zooooom! Hrrm. Hey that's mine!" he'd say. "I'm leaving!" I'd say "Good bye!"
--- "Assists" Lecture. 3rd October 1968. #10 of the confidential Class VIII series of lectures. (00:34).
Ron also discovered that this calamitous incident, which he called "R6", was not only the source of all illness but the source of the religious belief in Christ, since after the space-aliens were murdered around the volcanoes with H-bombs and then gathered together and taken to cinemas, they were shown pictures of Christ. Hence the root of Christianity, as we know it, came from the motion pictures these murdered space aliens (body thetans) saw 75 million years ago. Ron explains.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/Nochrist.ra Anyway, Everyman is then shown to have been crucified so don't think that it's an accident that this crucifixion, they found out that this applied.
Somebody somewhere on this planet, back about 600 BC, found some pieces of R6, and I don't know how they found it, either by watching madmen or something, but since that time they have used it and it became what is known as Christianity.
The Man on the Cross. There was no Christ. But the Man on the cross is shown as Everyman. So of course each person seeing a crucified man, has an immediate feeling of sympathy for this man. Therefore you get many PCs who says they are Christ. Now, there's two reasons for that. One is the Roman Empire was prone to crucify people, so a person can have been crucified, but in R6 he is shown as crucified.
--- "Assists" lecture. 3 October 1968. #10 in the confidential Class VIII
series of lectures. (1:01) [The part of the "Assists" lecture that deals with
this matter can be found in its textual entirety by following this link]
It is little wonder that Ron turned his attention to religion after making this
Ron the Theologian Scientology is a recognised religion in some coutries where it choses to call itself a religion and as the founder of this religion it is only natural that Ron explained his views on God. Each religion differs in it's interpretation of God to some degree. Scientology is no different. Scientology differs in the sense that it claims that God, as we know Him, does not exist.
Firstly we hear Ron explain why God is not the author of the universe (which he calls the MEST universe).
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/God.ra Now the MEST universe is all very well but it's all illusion. Well, one doesn't want an illusion, so he can't have an illusion. And when he was very young, why, Christ was all right, he was very friendly, as a matter of fact, and so on. But that's mostly - people, you know, they have to believe in that sort of thing. And they did once, but it requires nothing but faith and, of course, they can't have any faith anymore and they did have hopes on that once in a while, but actually religion doesn't lead anybody any place in the final analysis because you never get your wish anyway so, of course, one can't survive on the basis of spirits and religion, and so forth.
So that leaves just, of course, God. "And, of course, God naturally exists because there is all this space around and this space is obviously surviving so, of course, it's obviously surviving. Of course, the space itself is liable to collapse. But the prime mover unmoved is not liable to collapse because he created all this, and maybe he can't either." And nobody yet has come up with as flat a "can't survive" as "God will never again be able to create another MEST universe." But if we mentioned it, brother, it'd be out on the streets.
--- "Assessment, Memories, Ridges", Exteriorization and the Phenomena of Space.
27 October 1953. (1:03)
Ron talks more about God. The theory is that through the process of auditing a person can achieve God-like powers. In other words he can "play God". Hence there is no need to believe in God. Ron also mentions Christianity.
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http://www.xs4all.nl/~xemu/quotes/Godynamic.ra He's told what the eighth dynamic is: "God is everywhere, God is everything, God is in everything, God is outside of everything, and it's in everything, and it watches you, and the watchbirds are watching you, and God is watching you and everybody's keeping his finger on you..." And the first thing you know, the fellow is going to say to himself, "Hm-mm, there's something wrong with this. I wish I had a little privacy." And this is hard on him.
So if he's accepted this -- this concept or this description -- which is perfectly true; I mean, God is everywhere; he isn't watching you, you are it.
Anyhow, perfectly true, maybe, to him, that God is everywhere and he'll do something which he knows would be very offensive to what his concept of God is.
And ke knew that God was watching him, so therefore this is an overt act against God.
And do you know you can pick that up out of almost anybody that has ever been infected -- I mean, ever studied Christianity.
Now, this is so deeply buried, by the way, that it takes considerable digging sometimes to make your preclear find this one.
The dependency one is easy; everybody knows you depend, depend, depend, depend.
But on the other side, that is not as easy to find. When did he do something that was an overt act to God? But it's one you have to solve on the case or you'll never get him up here where he'll play God.
--- Therapy Section of Technique 80: Part I, Route to Infinity, 21 May 1952
Ron the Crooner Scientology is capable of giving any ability to someone. It is more returning ability than giving ability and returning it in the sense of enabling someone to be willing to demonstrate this ability. This also has applications in the arts, including singing. Ron described it thusly.
Well, you have differences of vocal chords, and it all lies in the field of physiology. We all know that. Everybody knows that. But I imagine if you dissected their vocal chords, you would find that there was a nondetectable difference. Then what is it that makes Caruso, Caruso; Hutton, Hutton; and a deaf mute, a deaf mute? What is it? What is it factually?
It is the willingness to demonstrate the ability.
--- Auditing Techniques: Altering Cases, 24 January 1957.
Well, towards the end of his life, L. Ron Hubbard did in fact decide to demonstrate his ability to sing to prove that Scientology can indeed give any person any ability. Here then, finally, is Ron the Crooner singing a farewell song - "Thank you for Listening".
[Scientology is a trademark of the Religious Technology Center. This document is not connected with that organization in any way]