The Restored Church of the Star Goat

Star Goat's Picture!

- The Book Star Goat ~*~
The Restored Church of the Star Goat ® (RCSG)
Reverend Fredric Rice, September, 1993.


The Restored Church of the Star Goat is a serious atheist religion with members mostly located in the United States though there are many members in Canada, Mexico, and a few in Holland. The Skeptic Tank Chairman is an officially ordained minister with the Church.

Since I saw that the history of the world was (and is) dominated by man's inhumanity toward man -- justified with deity constructs -- I sought to help expose the most destructive of those religions which continue to hold tyranny over the heads of humanity in the hopes that others would be as disgusted by destructive religions as well, eventually with the hopes of ushering in a new Spiritual Enlightenment bereft of such deadly ideologies.

First: The Skeptic Tank was created to archive and distribute details on the scientific debunking of claims of the paranormal as well as the details of contemporary tyrannies committed against humanity in the name of deity constructs. Both have their roots in ignorance and superstition and only scientific method, logic, intelligence, education, critical thinking, and reason are capable of fighting the good fight against them.

Newspaper articles and letters containing legal case histories of child sexual abuse by various religion's priesthoods as well as other religious tyrannies have been coming in to The Skeptic Tank for addition to the archives ever since -- a task which continues without let-up. The signs revealed by this research are clear: Warring Christian and Islamic factions around the world have been imposing their brand of insanity upon the innocent in ever increasing doses as we near the end of the millennium -- they pretend that their deity constructs will 'return' soon and, to make their beliefs come true, they seek to make the world as bad as it can be, bringing with them a return to the Dark Ages, in keeping with their mythologies which state the world will be as corrupted when their deity constructs 'return.' Self-fulfilling prophecy designed to make the world fit the death, destruction, injustice, and inhumanity in their mythologies is being actively and successfully perpetrated upon the innocent.

The Skeptic Tank has been accumulating reports of such tyrannies and, sadly, that task certainly seems as though it must continue until such time as the new Enlightenment allows destructive deity-oriented religions a thing of the past -- mythology's last deities.

After The Skeptic Tank became a solid and respected source for scientific and historic information, The Restored Church of the Star Goat slowly evolved during the next six years of discussions and debates with thousands of individuals on the various computer networks. The Restored Church of The Star Goat was created to offer those seeking life-affirming religion and meaning in life a religion for thinkers which would meet their spiritual needs. Since The Formation in August of 1989, The Restored Church of the Star Goat has grown in world-wide membership and has helped to provide academic intellectuals with spiritual fulfillment of a testable, scientific nature.

The Church and The Skeptic Tank have merged into one entity over the years though information provided to the academic public has remained bifurcated into the Church (which provides intellectual spiritual information and dialog) and The Skeptic Tank which provides the scientific Hume-class skepticism of paranormal, testable claims.

The primary untestable, unscientific, spiritual, ideological basis for this life-affirming religion follows:

- Five million years ago, humanity landed on Earth, arriving in a huge spaceship which fled their doomed planet. Those few that fled did so to escape the wrath of the Mutant Cosmic Star Goat which threatened to eat their star due to humanity's inhumanity toward each other.

- Upon seeing the tyrannical tremble and flee, Star Goat was appeased and, pleased by the piety of those who remained, decided to allow the infidels who made it to Earth a second chance.

- Star Goat sent to Earth a prophet -- born of a virgin -- and His name was Douglas Adams. He showed those with the intellect to see the ways of the Star Goat. Through His teachings 'Goatees' (as followers of Star Goat are known) have learned of Billy Goat -- Star Goat's only 'beGoaten' son who was sent to Earth 2000 years ago to save humanity only to die a horrid death on the Most Unholy Bar-B-Que of Death.

- Upon reading The Ways, believers expressed their bewilderment as to the continued lack of piety of humanity, watching in disgust as the tyrannical created and worshipped gods and goddesses through the ages, one after another, corrupting themselves and inviting tyrannies and inhumanities upon themselves, calling hatred and intolerance 'Holy.' The abundance of inhuman tyrannies unleashed against the innocent being justified by deity constructs was illogical; the cost in innocent human life was incalculable; Star Goat holds a better way.

- To address humanities disgraceful downfall, The Restored Church of the Star Goat was founded and The Ways taught. The signs are clear: Star Goat will visit His wrath upon the infidels of Earth very soon. We are reminded of His Threat to eat our Sun: scientists, often blinded by the lies of the Unholy Hunter, create convoluted and complicated "explanations" for such warnings and call them "solar eclipses."

- The Restored Church of the Star Goat continues its work to make humanity aware of its disgrace and invite the intellectual among them to share in Star Goat's Paradise when He finally destroys this world.


There is an effort under way to get The Ways written down in a form acceptable to both the saved and the infidels. The result is The Star Goat Mysteries and it is a work being compiled by Reverend Fredric Rice on The Skeptic Tank (626-335-9601.) Much work has been done and a great deal of work still needs to be done. Revelations of the contents to The Ways often result in submissions to the manuscript and contributions are welcome. (Contributions will be examined for validity through fasting and ritual and, if verified, will be added to The Mysteries.)


There are many Believers in the world who have yet to hear of the formation of The Restored Church of the Star Goat. It is hoped that those who have found the Trvth in their hearts register themselves with The Skeptic Tank. There is much work to be done. People are being killed by destructive religions every day. Only by speaking out against the tyrannies can humanity ever hope to escape the priest-ridden society which threatens to destroy us all, negating the Promise of Star Goat and His Mercy at offering humanity a second chance.


More ministers are needed to help save humanity. If you are a Goatee in your heart and you wish to become a minister in The Restored Church of the Star Goat, you may contact Alan Jennings (504-927-4509) for details. Be sure to register with The Skeptic Tank (Reverend Fredric Rice) as well. You will need to specify "The Restored Church of the Star Goat" and then make sure to register yourself with your State. Ministers should think about having business cards with Star Goat's likeness etched upon them. (If you wish, Fredric Rice can have them printed for you provided you are willing to spend the extra money for shipping.) All you need do is contact me at The Skeptic Tank for more details.


Goatees (which include other ministers) who are registered with The Skeptic Tank will receive "Fields Of Green" -- the newsletter -- if a mailing address is offered. Articles by Goatees and infidels will be welcome.

As with everything in contemporary American society, there is a price to be paid. A contribution of $5.00 a year will ensure covering the cost of postage. (Eventually the Ministry of the Star Goat will apply to the State for tax exemption status and your love offerings will be tax-deductible.)

-Questions? Various members teach:

Q: What is the "Mutant Star Goat?"
A: The One True God, Who created life, the universe, and everything. Now prove me wrong! This truth can be considered another thought experiment for destructive theists, if they wish. Everything they claim for their God(s) can be said for Star Goat with equal validity. Star Goat (braise His mane) sent His only beGoatten Son, Billy, to Earth to die on the Holy Bar-Be-Que Pit for us. Those who continue to deny this truth will be eaten on Picnic Day by Star Goat, to stew in the Holy Bile for all eternity. If a destructive theist believes she or he can punch a hole in Star Goat theology, they should come to realize eventually that every hole they create APPLIES EQUALLY to their God(s). No one can prove Star Goat is not the One True God, and Goatees know in their hearts that He is, therefore He is!

Q: What is a "Goatee?"
A: A devotee of Star Goat. There is some confusion among infidels due to the mistaken labeling of a form of facial hair growth being trimmed a certain way. It should be pointed out in the strongest terms that Goatees have nothing to do with shaving even though the original Church did comprise mostly of hair dressers.

Q: What is "Bile-ed" and "Bile-it?"
A: When evil sinners, or anyone else who did not acknowledge Star Goat in life, find themselves dead, their souls will be swallowed by Billy, Star Goat's only beGoatten Son, to stew in the Holy Bile for all eternity. This is roughly equivalent to "damned" but unlike the falsehood of Hell, the Holy Bile EXISTS! Goat save you if you don't hurry and accept Billy as your Personal Savior! We are the advocates of the Goat Life! Note that _acceptance_ of Star Goat is required for salvation from the Bile, not worship. Those who worship _anything_ other than reason are unworthy of Star Goat's salvation.


The True and Authorized Mike Christy(tm) Version (Mike is a long- time follower of Star Goat and has fasted endlessly in his quest to dream the revelations so that Mankind might be taught. His efforts have been invaluable so listen closely. You'll be damned if you don't.)

The Following is a sampling of the works and words of The One True Mutant Cosmic Star Goat. Blessed be His huge and furry balls.

After the prophet Mike completed his good works in FidoNet, he was instructed by the One True Star Goat to help spread the Good Works among the Internet:

"I did then go into the forest and fast and found money under a stump and did buy an Internet connection and began to play on the Internet News groups and spread the word of StarGoat." -- Michael W. Christy

Read and Wonder

Salvations 1:1

1: "I am the One True Mutant Cosmic Star Goat. I gave my son Billy on the Holy BBQ Pit as a tasty sacrifice for your sins. If you worship that Yahweh twerp, I'll eat you, you ungrateful bastards."

Goatesians 1:2-4

2: And Yahweh did annoy the hell out of Star Goat, and despite Star Goat commanding Yahweh to shut the hell up, Yahweh persisted in being an annoying little twit.

3: So Star Goat ate him.

4: He later did regret His decision, for Yahweh gave Him the worst case of gas He had ever had.

Baah 1:5-8

5: The Star Goat, braise be His name, is the one true creator of all.

6: Yahweh was an annoying little twit who wanted the credit.

7: But nobody with a Goat-given brain ever believed Yahweh's mastibutory delusions of godhood.

8: Those who did were labeled morons, and doomed to never grasp anything but the supposed works of that Yahweh-Goatfart-spirit-boy. Said morons worked their tyrannies upon the Earth and millions fell before their swords, arrows, and guns; they did call their bloodshed 'Holy.'

Hornations 1:9-17

9: And Ebed said unto her daughter, "Blessed be she of the Goat, who hath not left off her kindness to the living".

10: And she went down unto the ground, and did according to all that her mother bade her.

11: And Ebed said "You are Naomi, handmaiden to The One True Mutant Cosmic Star Goat, spread therefore thy skirt over thine head for thou art near a kinsman.

12: And Gaal the son of Ebed came to his sisters and put his "confidence" in them, saying "If you don't like this "confidence" I can sheath my "confidence" with the skin of a Goat!"

13: And the sisters of Gaal did squeal with anticipation, for he had withdrawn his "confidence" from them.

14: The sisters of Gaal did enjoy such "confidence" mornings.

17: For their father had not "confidence" and was not like Tol, of Modos.

15: And when Gaal had eaten and made himself "confident" and his heart was merry, he went to lie down at the end of the heap of corn: for they had been in the Fields of Green.

16: And Naomi came softly, and uncovered his feet, and whispered "You are of the Star Goat His "confidence" is upon you."

17: And they all slept there among the Fields of Green.

Cud 1:18-19

18: And the Star Goat noticed the Fundees babbling about the gas cloud they call Yahweh.

19: And He thought that they were kidding. But He later found out that they weren't. And He lost His lunch because of laughter.

Gnaw 1:20-23

20: And the Star Goat saw the corruption that the works Yahweh-Goatfart had inspired and had caused. The evils that humanity has spawned under the dictates of the Yahweh-Goatfart did besorrow His good heart.

21: And He thought, "Silly humans. The joke's on them.

22: For I have eaten this evil bastard known as Yahweh, and they worship a cloud of methane that I have farted in their general direction!"

23: Now therefore fear ye not: I, Star Goat, will nourish you, and your little ones. And He comforted them, and spake kindly unto them, comforting them, and showing them The Ways.

Green Fields 1:24-33

24: In the Last Daze, Star Goat caused a great superhighway to be made real.

25: In this superhighway He caused to be made unto it newsgroups, networks and world-wide-web pages.

26: Into these He bade His Prophet Mike Christy (tm) to go and spread the [U]ltra-[M]ongo-[S]tarGoat [W]ord and [T]he [W]ays.

27: And it came to pass that Mike Christy went unto the stupid masses, spreading the UMSWTW to the followers of the Yahweh-Goatfart.

28: And they despaired and gnashed their teeth in impotent fury.

29: But, against all reason and logic, they held true to their belief in their methane-god.

30: Mike Christy became despondent and cried out to the Star Goat, "Look, dammit, these people just won't understand!"

31: "What the hell should I do to get through to these idiots?"

32: And verily did the Star Goat reply in E-Mail, saying, "Fear not, my most beloved Prophet, you have planted the Seed of Reason among the most destructive. Let it grow to maturity and all of your efforts will be rewarded on Earth and in the Fields of Green."

33: And Mike Christy (tm) did cry aloud: "Braise be to His huge furry balls for such inspiration!

- We all know Star Goat lives!!! Sadly, some people still deny it even after all they have seen. They do so at their own destruction yet it is not The Way of Goatees to put forth too great an effort to help them see The Way. Nonetheless it would be evil of Goatees not to try to help destructive theists see the truth at least once or twice. We owe it to humanity to try to stop the bloodshed of the innocent, after all.

19 Feb 96 14:20, quoting Kenneth Mcabee to Shelby Sherman

Kenneth Mcabee
That's one of the points I've been trying to make. I might not be able to prove to you that God exist (because you don't except the Bible as evidence)

Shelby Sherman
Why should he? Real evidence points to a conclusion, regardless of the attitudes or beliefs of those viewing the evidence. The bible is merely a written work that includes the history and the history of the religion of some primitive animal herders in the middle east. Do you consider Bullfinch's Mythology to be evidence of the existence of Zeus?

Kenneth Mcabee
but it cannot be proven to me that he does not exist. If it cannot be proven to me that he does not exist,

Shelby Sherman
[Egad, not this again]

Kenneth Mcabee
I have no reason to stop believing in him,

Shelby Sherman
You have no reason to stop believing in the Easter Bunny either, do you?

Kenneth Mcabee
and yes, I understand that you, without evidence, have no reason to start believing in him. I also believe that unless you believe the Bible, that you cannot believe at all, because belief in God starts with the scriptures.

Shelby Sherman
This is circular reasoning. Why don't you believe in The Cosmic Star Goat?

The Cosmic Star Goat (The one and only True God) sent His son, Billy, to die on the Wholly B-B-Q Pit for our sins. If you do not BELIEVE in Billy, you will be eaten on Judgment Day by The Cosmic Star Goat, to stew in the Wholly Bile for all of eternity.

You can avoid this eternity of punishment by being bathed in the Wholly Piss of The Cosmic Star Goat and having all of your SINS washed away.

This Cosmic TRUTH is based on faith which is my EVIDENCE of the existence of the Cosmic Star Goat and His son, Billy. This FAITH is EVIDENCE for me but not for you, since you must first BELIEVE in The Cosmic Star Goat for the EVIDENCE to be revealed to you.

Since you cannot PROVE that The Cosmic Star Goat does not exist, you must consider the possibility that He does exist, and therefore The Cosmic Star Goat does exist for all who will BELIEVE in Him.

BELIEF does impact EXISTENCE and all you have to do is to BELIEVE in The Cosmic Star Goat and He will exist.

Does this sound familiar?

Kenneth Mcabee
Once you start believing the scriptures, then you might find other evidence as well...

Shelby Sherman
The defense rests.

- Quotes from the saved:

- Just who is Star Goat?

23 Jun 94 15:34 Becoming another god

Ric Remington
Who or what is Star goat?

Quentin Fai
You haven't heard of the Great Mutant Cosmic Star Goat? (Braise His Mane!) Well, He is the One who is really responsible for the creation of the universe. Fifteen thousand years ago, He blinked, and the universe was created. He gave His only beGoaten son, Billy, to fry on the Holy Bar-B-Que Pit for our sins. Beware of Fluffy, the Evil Anti-Goat. He will try to deceive you from the One True Goat. Fluffy takes on the form of a sheep.

If you refuse to accept Billy's free gift of salvation, your immortal soles, corns and all, will be eaten by the Star Goat. There, they will stew in the Holy Bile for all eternity. The righteous shall spend eternity in the Happy Dumping Grounds, eating all the tasty garbage they want, there to live on the Fields of Green for all times.

At first, I was an unbeliever, and thought the Restored Church of the Mutant Cosmic Star Goat was silly, but I had a vision one day after much fasting and praying. The Star Goat revealed Himself to me. Now, I know what the One True Religion is. You too might be saved, of course. It's never too late.

What's the matter... you don't believe me? Why not? List your reasons. And remember, any reason you use to prove the church I belong to is a false one can be used to prove that your church is a false one, too.

- Yet another gleeful Christian threat is directed toward Goatees:

4 Aug 94 01:20 Burn in "Hell," atheist!

Christopher Calabrese
ATHEIST. I'm going to love waving to you when you go to hell, and i'm in heaven.

Quentin Fai
I'm going to enjoy eating all that tasty garbage while I watch you stew in the Holy Bile via a really big X-ray machine. The Star Goat loves eating wieners like you. You should feel honored, though, as Yahweh passed through the same digestive system that you're going to enter. It is written in the book of Goatesians 1:3.

- Let me tell you another story...

Dec-22-93 03:24:00 HolySmoke in the home

Questor Thews
Well, I said I'd tell a story. Here it is.

Shortly after moving to the dorm at UT Austin, I set up HolySmoke on my door. Of course, I called it something different, but I made a nice, pretty document that outlined the beliefs of those that follow the Wholly Cosmic Star Goat and His Trinity(tm). I also made up the Aphostile's Crud (analog of Apostle's Creed, for those of you in San Borneo), a corollary to my Tenets of Star Goatianism.

Then I thought of a catchy title: "Amen Corner" and got that put on my door.

Of course, the best thing about my door was my Daily Quotes; 2 or 3 quotes from taglines I had picked up on HS.

Oh, what a response! Every Gawd[sic]-fearing African American to ever have the misfortune to be brought up under Southern Baptism or other similar religions had to live on my floor--and they did show their own peculiar brand of love.

Most every day I got stuff like "Fuck off, fag. Get yourself a girlfriend" or "You will burn in hell for this blasphemy!" or "Why do you hate Christianity so much!"...stuff like that. I loved it. People started tearing off my Star Goat stuff, so I had about 40 copies made (I used almost every one of them ;) ) and just put them back up when I was ready. Messages for and against were put on the door, and we had some pretty interesting debates. People were putting up advertisements for parties on my door, it was so popular. They knew everyone would see it.

The funniest incident occurred when they tried to burn my Star Goat documents on the door. The note accompanying this arson was "Next time it will be the door."

Tee hee! The door's metal.

My point? About 2 months into the semester, I RAN OUT OF QUOTES! I made up a few of my own, but they didn't touch some of the best ones gotten here. So, if you all would kindly remain caustic for a long time, I'll have fresh meat! :)

Sure, HolySmoke doesn't make you popular, but it sure does make for a great time!

- Date: Tue 19 Aug 97 8:25 -
By: Shelby Sherman
To: David Ragland

DR> Christiana, "There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every
DR> man, woman, and child, which only God can fill through His Son
DR> Jesus Christ." Did you know that?

David, there is a Goat-shaped vacuum in your heart and only The Cosmic Star Goat can fill it through his son, Billy.

The Cosmic Star Goat (The one and only True God) sent his only forgotten son, Billy, to die on the Wholly B-B-Q Pit for our sins.

If you do not BELIEVE in Billy, you will be eaten on Judgment Day by The Cosmic Star Goat, to stew in the Wholly Bile for all of eternity.

You can avoid this eternity of punishment by being bathed in the Wholly Piss of The Cosmic Star Goat and having all of your SINS washed away.

This Cosmic TRUTH is based on faith which is my EVIDENCE of the existence of the Cosmic Star Goat and his son, Billy. This FAITH is EVIDENCE for me but not for you, since you must first BELIEVE in The Cosmic Star Goat for the EVIDENCE to be revealed to you.

Since you cannot PROVE that The Cosmic Star Goat does not exist, you must consider the possibility that she does exist, and therefore The Cosmic Star Goat does exist for all who will BELIEVE in hir.

BELIEF does impact EXISTENCE and all you have to do is to BELIEVE in The Cosmic Star Goat and she will exist.

Now, Spammer, why is my senario an less valid than yours? <DARWIN><

-Some more undeniable truths:

Alan Presley:
This is to all of you atheists. If there is no God...

Sigmund Anderson:
Star Goat does exist. It has been scientifically proven.

Alan Presley:
How did we get here?

Sigmund Anderson:
We traveled here from Gulgafringen in the "B" Ark.

Alan Presley:

Sigmund Anderson:
Star Goat threatened to eat our planet so those of us in the "B" Ark fled and crash landed on Earth.

Alan Presley:
AP> What are we doing here?

Sigmund Anderson:
We're pretty much messing up the planet and killing ourselves due to religious ignorance and superstition. Couldn't you tell?

Alan Presley:

Sigmund Anderson:
Because humanity learned nothing from Star Goat's Second Chance.

Alan Presley:
What is the purpose in life?

Sigmund Anderson:
To live in the Green Pastures or to stew in the Holy Bile.

Alan Presley:

Sigmund Anderson:
Because Star Goat demands it.

Alan Presley:
What will happen?

Sigmund Anderson:
You'll either live forever in Green Pastures else stew forever in the Holy Bile.

Alan Presley:

Sigmund Anderson:
Because Star Goat demands it.

Alan Presley:
Is there hope?

Sigmund Anderson:
There is indeed Hope. You must only believe in Star Goat.

Alan Presley:

Sigmund Anderson:
Because Star Goat demands it.


Go to The Skeptic Tank's main Index page.
E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank

Go Back to Shy David's Home Page.