Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:
What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?
yourfriend gave this response on 4/4/2000:
Whats going on with him is that he is an abuser, and he has probably abused his previous woman in his life before you. Of course he won't tell you that. And whats going on with you by going back to him is called the honeymoon stage. I tell people this often. At first he will apologize, tell you he did not mean it, and probably show you the love you crave from him, then as this vicious circle continues he then will start to become a little more verbal, and then the violence is back, to where he is hitting you. love doesn't have to hurt, and yours is hurting you. The next time you are serious about leaving him, you will need to make sure that one you change your locks, two, your phone number, and three have as many friends and family around you so that they can help to build your self esteem back up.
There is nothing going on in his head, he is a violent man and he knows it, he also knows if he is sweet for a few days he will when you back because you truly love him. But ask yourself do you hurt him, and then say your love him, like he does to you.
Call your local Domestic abuse hotline and they will offer you more solutions as well, they also offer free counseling, and some offer lock exchanges. Where you bring in your old door locks, and they will give you another set of locks and keys.
You mentioned it doesn't hurt when he hits you, well it is hurting you , and it is wrong. If you choose to stay in this relationship, be very careful, because the one time he hits you in the chest could be the last. Domestic violence is considered to be, 1. physical abuse 2. mental abuse 3. sexual abuse 4. verbal abuse
When you are ready, to end this with him, then be sure to have it documented, I know this will sound cruel at first to you, but you will eventually have to call the police and have him do some jail time. This way it becomes criminal knowledge, with a restraining order to stay away from you. That way if he takes any recourse on you, He would of already gave himself a record. When this time comes, and you do press charges, it is very important to remind yourself that.......
YOU DID NOT PUT HIM IN JAIL , HE PUT HIMSELF THERE.. HE CHOSE TO HURT YOU, HE CHOSE TO BREAK THE LAW, AND AT HIS AGE HE KNOWS BETTER.
I say this to you, because the first time he gets charged and then comes back saying you did this to him, it is important you remind yourself, that " HE DID IT TO HIMSELF."
good luck to you....
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